It hurts to feel that i need you more then you need me. And i hate the feeling that is growing as a result. i feel pathetic and foolish for wanting your so voice so much, when you can be fine without it :/ Why does it have to slowly end this way? Because of my mistakes? .. I'm not even sure i can call them mistakes anymore. I knew what i was doing then and i know what i'm doing now. Those mistakes murder me every night.But i can honestly say i'm hurting because of them and i know you are too.Obviously we all know that we can't go back in time, even if you wish upon a star with all your belief, you can't go back. So i'm done with wishing that. Because i need to live with what i did. 'Man up'i guess you can say is something i'm taking part of.I have depended on you way too much. For my happiness, For all my needs,i depended on you to be there when i felt a bit lonely or when i needed a bit of attention. I depended you with myself. I handed you me without hesitation,when it's not suppose to be like that,we were suppose to take our time with our relationship,healing one's wounds.You know how i said " you heal the wounds of my lover's past" well it's true, it's just the feelings that stood because it wasn't your job to make them fade but mine.Instead of rushing into things because of our strong feelings.But we can't blame love.And what if we didnt rush into things; would we have been happy right now at this very second? --Doing that i lost myself. You lost yourself in my mistakes and the pain that i've cost you. Your drowning, and i can't do anything about it, because i've created a scar with my worthless sword.I can't say and be optimist that i'll be your lifeguard one day so hold on just a bit longer, because i,myself,don't even know if that's possible.And what if you dont want me to be your lifeguard? Maybe one day our souls can find each other again, even if it's in the pond :( --And I'm Truly Sorry For Everything.Even if that word is slightly over used. But the thing is i like depending on you and i still do it,it just hurts that were not together anymore.Because i know what we could of been. Every time i find myself picking up the phone and dialing your number, i think of something else to do because i don't want to hurt you anymore. Now that our relationship is rough i have no one to turn too,that would actually understand, even myself.Maybe i ask for too much? Maybe i gave you too much responsibilities for loving me? I don't know what's the case. But all i know is that i need to find myself again, and actually hold onto it tight. Do you know how much i miss mid October? i'm learning to let go. Let go of those feelings that my past decided to haunt me with. It's no one's fault but mine for letting it destroy me and the people around me. But yesterday i did so much thinking. And I can sit here, behind this screen, typing away, and say that this morning when my eyelids saw the ceiling.. i felt like myself, maybe just a little, but i did feel like myself. With all this thinking and knowing what makes me happy and knowing what i need to do,felt right. Well at least that's what i think. But then again i can't go far with doubting myself, so that needs to stop. But as soon as i sat up and touched the chilly floor, i lost myself. My exceptions on human beings are way to high, with that being high, i'm expecting disappointment, but were all humans and we do mistakes that hurt others and ourselves, and those who decide to learn from it are growing.Well guess what? IM GROWING. Even though there's just a stem right now.
On the other hand Define chance? Does everyone deserve a piece of it?
Those Glowing Sleepy Eyes; once upon a time.
<3<3<3
