Apparently facebook and youtube, isn't working on my laptop =.=

but who cares?;) this week can not start any better.
today was great.soulmate came over, met my parents, and played ps3 with lil bro,and sister?.. well lets just say she was in her own world.-.- We ate dinner at home, with brother sitting on the table with us, cracking jokes on me D: by the way my dad and mom likes you ^_^, another by the way;im almost done with my room and im pretty excited about that. the color is not exactly what i wanted, but i still think it looks pleasant. Maybe a little darker and i would of fell in love. probably within two days, i will be completely done. -laughs- okay so i took pictures:D ... and i have this strong positive devotion with one picture,but im not allow to post it up, but if you were to see it, you would fall in love with those teeth and saliva too! ~





UP...LOADING..

--oh and friday i will be seeing MY mia AND MY kasy :D
which i adorable much, they make me feel so bubbly inside, AHHH! i can not wait.
i've missed them so much D;i hope my mom can take care of them again.

******* oh and another oh my cousin Katherine, gave birth :DDD

-laughs quietly -

=.=


i still sleep with teddy bears.
especially Max.

My sister

graduated:D wooohoo, Woodie do.
im happy for her, like there's no words to describe the feeling.
she's going to Queens college next year, and i know she'll experiences a lot of fun stuff ^.^

my windowless room.

is in the process of being refreshed and happy.

blue pandas fly? o.o

It's because i have this thing with keeping dead flowers. they just smell so good. im not quite sure i can taste upon the sent they give off. i have a bunch of dead petals and flowers,that are given from my dad or friends, in my room. They stand still near my T.V ontp of my dresser. Until the night time sprinkles through out the sky, when the fan in my room is on the highest number (three), the wind gently slaps them, them and there faded pretty colors.

oh and

yesterday i got pierced for my second hole on my ear lobes. ^_^



i hate my ears, but who gives a fack :DD

theres this song, that reminds me of my bestest friend

Michelle Kwan.



btw. the words do not go towards you-_- its just the beat, i dont know why but it reminds me of you <3,its like i can imagine us listening to it,on the grass,making animals out of the clouds, before it rains.

yesterday's sky

was quite amazing,
i had to take pictures.
i couldnt keep my eyes off it.


i was walking to my mom's room , where i saw out the windows, and it was too bright, i looked at the time, and it said, 8:something, and then i thought i was dreaming, because i just thought this was impossible. so i re-trace my steps, and went back into my mom's room and still, there was the beautiful sky. so i went to the back of my house, and i stood there, glazing.


(with flash)


(without flash)

okay so maybe i didnt get the best view ever, but it's still something pretty.

excuse me for my language.

why does it take something terrible to happen for people to open there pretty darn eyes?okay, since everyone already knows, Micheal Jackson, and that other lady is dead.um i think her name is Farrah Fawcett ? .. why does it take some to died, for people to start appreciating things? it really sickness me, down to my core.

why does he need to died, for people to start saying " omg, i love his music..and all the other bullshit they were saying on the radio". why couldn't you just appreciated M.J from the start. Dont get me wrong, some people did. but now, its like everyone is acting like no one was ever against him and crap. because im pretty sure, many human beings, were against him, because he did mistakes, and he had to go to court. and honestly 65% of those people that are "wooooohoooooooo" about his music now, thought that he had to go to jail, or he had to died, when he was on the news about raping those little boys. well now he's dead, and i really hope your drowning in guilt.



And another thing, perfect example to fit this statement; why did it take the two tallest buildings in new york to fall and burn and millions of lives to be taken away, for people to be alert,and protect the airlines. why couldn't you just be alert from the start and maybe those people didn't have to burn alive.Or have the worse taste of death.


I hate society.

sooooooo :D

yesterday was great,my brother graduated, and i'm really proud of him^-^ and i couldn't stop smiling, when he walked across the stage and shook the principal's hand. sadly enough he's coming to my school next year, and i wish him all the luck in the planet.



and then after that, im like to my brother.. " soooo, where do you wanna eat?".. he's like, - laughs- "what do you mean? " i say .. " umm like what fancy place do you wanna go too?".... he's like .. -laughs harder- " ummm subway niggguaah xD"
so then we went and it was fun ^.^


included with all that joy, yesterday and today was really sweet, with soulmate.
-crosses my fingers for more days like that- today we went to go watch transformer, with his friends and my friend Angela :D it was alot of fun, but until i came home and i realize i was hungry and no longer with him. and i wish i took pictures, so i can post them. but my mom was on my ass, when it hit 9ish so i had to run along home, but over all, i couldnt stop smiling, and being hopelessly in love.

Michelle Kwan deserves props from Me

She is the one who made me re-connect to the side i once lost,which is writing. She is the inspiration for this blog. As i fed from her blog,i slowly cooked one. I just dont type, i sometimes use a pen too. but mostly i just transfer everything into here.
i enjoy sprinkling her with love of mine,because she's awesome:D So if you guys are wondering,why do i write...again.. now you discovered the reason, so go to michelle and give her a high five ^_~

I guess sleep can't find me today.

It's just me and you,iPod.

I'm not really understanding why I haven't been sleeping.sleeping just doesn't seem important to me anymore. Just getting to you matters.
Finding ways, finding lies,in order to get out and be with you. To watch pretty sunrises and sunsets.

do you have the sightliest idea what you do to me?

you need to open your pretty brown eyes,and see that i only want to be with you, that your the only one that can make me happy, that can make me feel like im on top of the world. My blood seems to boil because you can't understand that. you need to let it transfer into your damn brain. your the one that i want to take care of,the rest of my life, your the one that i've been longing for all my life. i know im young right now,but i really can't imagine my days without you. your the only thing that seems to be running perfectly in my brain, now a days, and it hurts, that were not together right now, it breaks my heart. The pain that i've given you, murders me at night, every night. i just want to erase all the mistakes,because they haunt me. but what would life be without mistakes?


...more to come, head hurts.

words <3

"Slowly the pen touches paper in the guidance of the words that you write.
Memories roll in; of the things you once did
and who you had shared them with is somebody thinking of you.
Did I bother telling you this, with the words that cross teeth and jump lips?
A poor choice of words, in wanting to tell you anything.
But words don't come with ease. They're forever my hurt.
Would it really matter, if you were to count the days left with your hands?
Your focus secure and the loves you left; well
smiles staged in photographs here until... "

favorite animations;

oh my dear,

this can't stop swelling into my veins, and ripping my heart apart into a whole bunch of pieces imaginable. and i can't stop crying. :[

i love my cousin steven :D

and his aways on aim ^.^
there always about aliens, powers, brains,blood,roaches,swords,games,....mhmmhmh

like right now his away is;
"I was walking down the street and I seen an alien it said give me ur brain and now I have no brain "

like who does that?-laughs-

i like it though, its interesting to readdd :DDD

but i really hated last night

because i was so hungry and i couldn't go upstairs cause my parents were sleeping. so i had to drown my starvation with freaky water D:

oh and i love len pencils, and the smell of new paper.

we'll reunited and have a green tea party, i promise cassy<3

( i never took a picture with her, and i regret it so bad:( but this is cassy and her grandma)

As soon as i met her, we connected.
Our bond was unbreakable
It felt as if she was my age.
It felt like i was going to see her
for more seconds,days,months,years.
i would of never thought
that you'll be leaving this soon
me,cassy and her
were like sisters.
i'll never forget you
nor i'll forget our memories,
the times, when you were there,
hugging us, taking care of us,
loving us.
your big deep eyes,
that turn me into a puddle.
your cooking
that made me forever lasting full.


...

so i cant write anymore, because it breaks my heart to know that you won't be here anymore. waiting for me and cassy to tell you good news and jokes:/ while you sat on your chair doing creative stuff.

yesterday..

was just a blast, i baked with cousins and sister of course, made some soup for my aunt because she was sick. we baked, cookies,cupcakes, brownies,.. and surprisingly they came out so good, so tasty.the cookies were my to make, the cupcakes were my sister and ashely, and the brownies were all up to liz:]. liz is the mom of the group, i swear she is,-laughs- she makes sure everything goes the way it's suppose to be. i remember when we were little we use to play teacher,and i was the student, well pretty much, everyone was. She's all about lights and fancy things. Ashely is more of the party chick? sister is well my sister, and shes great.She's the silly one,who makes everyone laugh. well im the one.. who gets excited about seeing food, ...im the one who glares at the icecream.. in the supermarket.Any who It's so much fun, and it makes me soo happy, and when im baking, i feel like im doing everything right. everything just feels in it's place.Now i'll be helping around the house, so then maybe one day, in my future, i'll be cooking for someone else.


come to think of it.. i should of taken pictures. curse me for no camera use D:

me and ash;


and then i broke night with soulmate.

so i understand

why my dad sometimes can be full of anger.He does so much, and he gets so little in return.It ticks me off, how people can't appreciate his huge heart.And the thing that ticks me off a bit more, is the fact that no matter how much a person can screw him over, he still finds it in his heart, to forgive and give them another chance. i love my dad, and even though we might not have a great bond at times, hes still my dad. and im always gonna admire his strength that he seems to dig up within us. He doesn't smile/laugh so often but when he does, i carry it in my memories for a life time, because seeing HIM happy makes me happy,because he's not working so hard, or because he's hands aren't getting rougher when he's happy,It's because he's relaxing enjoying himself, yes he's getting older and he's getting more wrinkles, but to me, he's going to be young forever at heart. i didnt realize till today, at dinner, with just us:), that i get my majority kindness from him. That im alot like him. and there's no shame in that, because i know when he's sober,hes amazing. he's the dad, that i use to sit on,with all my fashion accessorizes,telling him that i was his girlfriend,lol(come on i was lil^.^) i have to admit, i can sometimes say i hate him.. but thats only when he's doing something that disappoints me so much. And he knows it. But he deserves a break. What i adore more about him, is that he'll never give up on us.even if were really in debt or something. he would always manage to buy the things we want<3. i really do love him. and im grateful for all the things he already did for me. and i'll be forever more grateful,if we become closer. when me,jr,jo,mami,jerry,grace,jayden,jayson are around the table, there's this sparkle in his eyes,that i always see, when his with his family, but i see it more, when were actually sitting down, eating a meal together. He sleeps early because he has to wake up early, to work for us, and the people upstairs..(sigh). Actually he doesnt deserve a break, he deserves a vacation. And my goal from now on, is that when i gather alot of money, im treating him and my mami^.^

****
i love my family, and i would literally be nothing if it werent for them,for him,they somehow,put this chip inside my brain to have so much strength.

my attention span sucks;

cause this is what i do in tutoring ^.^

Today

felt so uncomfortable. i felt out of place. like i didn't belong. like no one was reallylistening. Sitting on a chair for more then four hours, was disgusting too. i just wanted to be home.I mean i wasn't coming home to anything.. nothing to nurse anymore:/all i came home to was a messy stinky room. that needs to be cleaned up.. but maybe i'll do it later..And for once im actually glad to me home.i feel like there's a bit of a earthquake going on in my head today, and that's no good. All i need is your voice.. not even.. your presences. i can't even remember how long i've been longing for it.But im excited for tonight, because i'll be meeting you in my dreams.Sleepybear. <3

i can not stop listening to your favorite song;

dear lifeguard, im drowning.

It breaks my heart that you won't save me before 6. I made sure that i float my way really deep into the ocean so you can see me, when i raised my hand. if i were you,i know i would of fought all those harsh strong waves just to get you, even if it's just the pinky i'll hold. And yet, you couldn't see the effort i'll put into it. Maybe i should speak,or maybe scream loud enough. would you care then? or just imagine me as another bird in the sea?Here, i am, waves rocking me to sleep,your whispers haunting me.All i want you to do is rescue me, give me CPR, help me, find myself, show me that you care. It scares me that im wrong, because i don't see you on your high white chair, i cant believe this, im washing away deeper and deeper, with such disbelief,disappointment, and a bit frustration. Dear lifeguard i'm drowning after six.

Wires are in danger.

My head keeps hurting. it's hurting right now as i type.. im not in the mood for voices at the moment. it needs to leave. the voices and headaches. It comes and goes, and when it comes, there's this sharp pain D: The wires in my brain are all messed up, all tangled up, as if it were a broken rollercoaster. and No one can even clean the mess up. not even with there words.


i think it's about time i go to the doctors.

oh im pretty darn happy ^.^

why?because my eyes can't get off this picture;



and im wearing dark blues socks with white dots on them >.>

This is my favorite jazz song<3<3

:DD

Natsuki Takaya = <3

http://browse.minitokyo.net/s/1235/natsuki-takaya
she has made some impact in my tiny life just with her works, she inspires me<3

--'I want to live with all of my memories, even if they're sad memories. I believe that if I stay strong, someday I'll overcome the pain, and then I'll be glad that I have those memories. I believe that there are no memories that are okay to forget.
'-*Natsuki Takaya


--"I love the stars.
Because they can't say anything.
I love the stars.
Because they do not judge anyone."
— Natsuki Takaya

--she honestly makes me want read all her mangas "Fruits Basket"..
and there's 10 volumes .. boy do i need money D:

museums on the list for this summer ;

1)Rubin Museum of Art
2)The Museum of Modern Art
3)Museum of Television & Radio
4)Guggenheim Museum
5)Queens Museum of Art
6)VOELKER ORTH MUSEUM
7)Hyogo Prefectural Museum of Art( it's in japan D:)


moreeee to comeee<3

i like how butterfiles can't stop flying.

We are invincible and invisible.It feels as if we are in a movie and people pay to watch us. There are the ones that work in the magazine and they can't control there envies.. They like to publish there lies and let it arrive in a truck,because there's so many, to our mansion and then i ask you.. "whats this all about?..">:O so that is why you hate the end of the month. I like when i wake up in the middle of the night wondering where you went and all i have to do is call and have your voice in seconds. i like when im with you. The feelings that tremble inside me as if there was a gospel song ready to play.it feels as if i can eat all the cookies, cupcakes and ice cream and not get fat. it feels as if the winds are playing with my eyes lashes,when there is no wind at all.it feels like my heart pops as if it were a green balloon being poke by a pin.im full with excitement when we walk side by side.it feels like i have a whole bunch of arms and legs.it feels like a red and blue race car can come and drive us away in a heart beat.you are willing to give me everything i beg for, and it works :)- smiles- i feel as if everyone is below us tryjng to reach us. but they just dont have enough will power. you think it's funny and cute when you ask me what a Chinese man is saying; and i response" -.- there talking about us.." i feel like i can accomplished what i desire when im with you, that is why i want to carry you every where i go, because i know i'll be having a great time<3 with lots of laughter.

In the future near you:D

Look and buy this intimate erotic novel. Called "i like dirty things " By Jared Mitchell ; Illustrations By Janiri Jerez





^.^

We hope you guys enjoy~ and tell yo friends-laughs-

so i can't stop thinking when it comes to you.

That smile, that i'm addicted too.

i can actually say, i roll with the most amazing people ever ;)

this is beyond sister love<3
she is someone i can always count on. no matter how mad we are at each other. we can always laugh about anything, and boy do we laugh alot :p
she takes me for who i am. she gives great advice.She tells me the truth. she has no boundaries on telling me things.and i love that<3 i can trust her with everything that i've done.She lets me sleep with her, when my heart can't bare anymore pain.she actually listens when i have a problem. She tells me whats right and whats wrong. I honestly have no clue where i would be, and who would i be right now, if she wasn't my sister. she makes me happy. and i'll always admire her. i remember when we were little, i use to tell her, ' i wish you were my mommy' xD --<3<3





Michelle Kwan well known as lenny^.^ is the first person i think of when in pain, because i know she can cheer me up and make me feel like everything will be okay. i wish there were more people like her in this world. but then again maybe i dont wish that because then she wouldnt be different. We known each other for only a ... year.. already?know,but it feels like alot more<3 and she is just beyond all awesomeness. and i can always count on her. she's the greatest friend i can ever ask for, so dont be jealous , :p




My brother deserves to be here, because he's the best little brother i can ever beg for. yes, annoying sometimes, but that is what makes him my little brother ^.^ and i like when he tells me if i look like a bum, because it makes me feel like he cares enough to tell me, whether it's a joke or not. i love playing video games with him and i love his music taste, and it's odd, because it's of old rap and old hip hop :) he deff. makes me smile at all times. no matter what mood im in.




i love this girl to death, i knew her since fourth grade.
and i love when she visits me by surprise cause it brightens up my day.:)
i trust her alot. and i hope we can still keep our friendship cause it means alot to me. she makes me laugh, and shes just great.And i'll always wear her chain<3


ALL OF ALL; THESE HUMANS BEINGS MAKE ME FEEL WORTH WHILE.

sweeeettt colorss

so here, are the colors, i want my room to be. :)
it's so bright, and every time i look at this, it melts within my brain wires and make me happy. it makes me feel like i can breath and there's no stress.,and as if it's just me and the colors existing who knew colors had powers?so since, we are already in sunny summer, why not paint my room, and let the windows and doors open, and let the drying begin.

i wish i can magically disappear into my dreams.

i like when i dream, because im away from reality. Emotions in dream seem so real. it's scary.
Like last night, i had a dream about a flying squirrel,pulling my bangs so i can be closer to it, and then sniffing my ear, and biting it O,O..how weird is that?-laughs- all i knew is that i was really scared and annoyed by that damn squirrel. And a couple of months ago, i had this other dream, that i needed to save my turtles from these squirrels, running around in my school O.o so the message i picked up from these dreams, is that maybe squirrels are evil, :D?i honestly believe that dreams send out messages, in confusing ways, yes, but i think they do. And i think it's our job to find the meanings. -.- i like when my dreams, take me to a bunch of scenes all at once. i sometimes, want to write about them, but i dont because im lazy?.. but i'll try to improve that,here:)

i miss my Setsuna And Tyelu

Setsuna and Tyelu were given to me by Devon.
They were my first actual pets, that i took care of.
i love them so much. Turtles are my Animal soulmates<3
but unfortunately they passed away :/
Setsuna-may. 23 and Tyelu- a week after.
it still breaks my heart, into pieces imaginable.
i miss going into my room and seeing them there, waiting to be nurse, waiting to be spoken to.
i'll always miss them. and i still think about them til this day. i dont know what i did wrong, and i dont know if they were suffering,that's probably why i cant get over it. My mom thinks that they got the flu.. because i was sick, really sick, i had a fever. And as soon as i was getting better... they died... you have no clue.. actually i think no one would ever understand how it felt, to pick them up.. after they had no soul in them.. they felt so limp.. i couldnt stop crying for a few days. and i know they wouldnt want me to be weak.. i must be strong. and keep remembering. because if i ever forget.. i'll be guilty. Mermories are what makes us, us. What makes us alive. i have to admit, i want another turtle.. but it's too soon now. and i dont want to put another animal in pain D; When i told my dad about it.. he made me feel more ashamed.. he made me cry more. because he blamed me for there death.. and it still hurts til this day. i mean, he would never know.. no one would ever know. because to them, there just turtles. but to me they were mine. <3 i would kiss them and treat them like humans, because in my eyes they were. sigh.. this is the time i wish we can go back to past. that day when i lost them both... i felt like i lost everything...

im not sure.

i'm not sure,what i want to be in the future. im not sure what my heart is following.
i did have my mind set on becoming a teacher, for first grade or fourth grade (most likely fourth grade).But now i want to help animals, work with animals, learn more about them. Animals, just seem to hold my interest in such an amazing way. And i feel like i'll be making a change..because i there's a need in me, that's wants to stand up for them. Be there voice. ~ i mean being a teacher is a great fascistic idea as well. but i feel like helping animals, will have a more impact on me, on the way i see others.im quite young. so i rather say, time will tell?