I'm Falling in love with this Summer.

with all this rain.

i hate nights that i can't seem to find sleep.

Because i wanna feel safe in my dreams like i wish i did last night.
Last night i couldn't find sleep till six in the morning. sigh-
and now im sleepy. im starving for a nap. i don't understand... but i just can't sleep in my room. I stay up because i'm too busy thinking too much.Thinking about life... what if were living in a lie?--i mean there are honest people out there. But what if life isn't what we think it is.People can actually walk on this earth and not really be living.I was thinking last night; i don't know how some people do it. live there lives miserable and in despair. life is too beautiful to put it to waste.

Going through shades of EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES each day is what i find best.

This would slowly become a story; you wait and watch :P

----i can't stop dreaming of those sunny dim windy afternoons; when i'm peaking out of the pond, studying your beautiful untouchable fur.As for the reflections; i see my soul; a wolf. and you see your heart; a turtle

... corny, ahah i know D; - dies-

If you like

i'll hold onto one interest and be boring.

i wasn't aware that being open-minded was such a harmful bad thing?
well i like being open-minded;seeing things from every angle,and from other people's perspective and trying out new things.yes,im ready to jump into things quickly when someone tells me about something,but so what? life's to short,to be studying one object for months. i dont like it. i like liking different things. seeing different things, reading different things. and slowly i'll get my own interests. why do i feel like im being rush to grow?:/


All im saying is i rather not have my mind feeling like a prisoner.


i just wish you were one to appreciate the open minded of mine. :/

Sigh...

so i really wish i had an shell.Hide inside when no one understands or when i'm sad or when things are just going wrong.i honestly feel like i was a turtle in my other life<3 which amazes me. dont ask me how i know this. because i don't. i just feel that i was. and hopefully when i die, my soul goes through the process of recreation ; i become a turtle. A big turtle<3 and Strong as well, inside and outside....

My favorite snack for tonight

is apples,water and his voice<3

Random thoughts sprinkled with some Random Feelings.

I haven't really been writing nor letting my feelings be unleash.
Aim is slowly losing my interest.
This heat is making me not sleep, and if i do sleep, it's really late.
Yesterday i hung out with Devon;Angela;Nelson.
It was an awesome day, like always.
We visited Dev & Nelson's "boyfriend" -___- Jose at the hospital. (his last day there)And i met Jose's Girlfrann Henny FINALLY:D
Omg i was sooo shy!! >.<
.. when we were walking out of the room, there was this cool tank with fishes ^_^ which made me want to go to the zoo. So on Wednesday i'll probably do that with Dev and invite some of my friends as well, I dont know, lets see how that goes.

AHAHA---I've been addicted to this game! KILLING NAZI ZOMBIES!
I- CANT- STOP- KILLING-THEM! -makes gun being loaded sound-

To start this off in the middle of this blog;I MISS YOU MICHELLE KWAN D; and we need to hang out soon...before this summer ends.

Also,Everything has been dancing with happiness, which makes me happy. A few days ago i wanted things to be rushed, so things can already fall into place. But I've realized that rushing things just makes a whole other mess. Now,im taking things slow,step by step each day. And i think everything should be that way. Because who wants to be rushed? Or who wants life to be done earlier?

* * * * * *


I WANT MANGO ICE CREAM!

im starting to realize

that i'm going to stay this short for the rest of my life:/

and that i'm not so addicted to black coffee anymore!:D-goodbye yellow teeth-

When would we have peace?

when freedom is over and when all humans get terminated.

Hoping

tomorrow would be decent.

Do you feel good walking on this globe?

Dear Worthless Person With no heart.

... Okay so i now understand that one of the 'life cycles' is killing animals, and eating them. but why put the animals through pain? is what doesn't seem to ease me. abusing them for no reason! just because there not stronger then us.slaughtering them? seriously,don't you have a heart?! i can care less if it's your job. There are other jobs out there.WAY MUCH BETTER TOO. I understand that your brain doesn't really function while your doing this job. And i apologize that it doesn't.

-- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SLAUGHTER HANGING UP SIDE DOWN?i would like to think that you wouldn't. SKIN DOWN? WOULD YOU LIKE FOR A MACHINE TO RIP OUT YOUR SKIN WHILE YOUR ALIVE? once again i would like to think that you wouldn't. And this only occurs because materialism is so much more important then an animal life.It's not fair. They don't deserve this. i know they don't. THEY DO NO HARM!there JUST LIKE US!

JUST BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR COWORKERS CAN'T HEAR THERE SILENT CRIES AND THERE SILENT SCREAMS DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY DON'T FEEL!

so i see, your doing this for fun,having some bit of enjoyment? kicking them,whipping them, leaving them for hours while the blood that they have left is squirting from there throat,pushing them, driving them crazy in those cattle cages.PEOPLE LIKE YOU DO THIS TO FEEL IN CONTROL. YOUR DOING THIS TO FEED YOUR PATHETIC SELF ESTEEM. IS IT WORTH IT? going home every night( is if you have a home)taking a shower, seeing all the animal blood being wash away, feeling good, feeling like you did something right for once in your damn life. well ITS NOT LIKE THAT! think about the animals families, that your making them leave behind. think about someone taking someone you love away from you just so they can be eaten by someone else.

**********

-- WE HAVE TOO MUCH FREEDOM!

They had enough of it.

Why are waves so strong and rough and all over the place? Why does it feel like it's trying to push any human thing out of it's soul? ----- Because the Ocean is mad at us,for not caring,for throwing our trash, spitting,peeing.. etc. The ocean has a mind of it's own. And it doesn't like it when we do whatever the hell we want to do with it.
i mean would you like if someone spit at you daily, threw trash at you daily,by 'accidentally' spill oil on you? I'm very positive that you wouldn't. So next time when your too lazy to hold your useless trash for a couple of more mins. til you see a garbage can, think of you being the ocean and the ocean being you.


Believe it or not;
Everything has a soul.

hello sunny sun

It feels good to soak up the beaming sun.The sun doesn't even bother nor move, she's just waiting for the moon and starts to remove her light. And she's okay with that. I love the sun. I envy it a bit.why? because it travels everywhere and it gets to see every event. All the cultures. All the food.All the colors.All the animals. All those people. i never knew i like sitting with the sun til an hour ago. And for once i dont care if i get a sun burn nor do i care for the possible skin cancer i might get for being good friends with her.

No one is pretty in a war.

So why find the need to yell and push and hit and kick!?
Why can't we all be civilized and talk things out so we can keep our minds forever young?

cookies or salad?

Love or becoming attach?



It hurts to feel that i need you more then you need me. And i hate the feeling that is growing as a result. i feel pathetic and foolish for wanting your so voice so much, when you can be fine without it :/ Why does it have to slowly end this way? Because of my mistakes? .. I'm not even sure i can call them mistakes anymore. I knew what i was doing then and i know what i'm doing now. Those mistakes murder me every night.But i can honestly say i'm hurting because of them and i know you are too.Obviously we all know that we can't go back in time, even if you wish upon a star with all your belief, you can't go back. So i'm done with wishing that. Because i need to live with what i did. 'Man up'i guess you can say is something i'm taking part of.I have depended on you way too much. For my happiness, For all my needs,i depended on you to be there when i felt a bit lonely or when i needed a bit of attention. I depended you with myself. I handed you me without hesitation,when it's not suppose to be like that,we were suppose to take our time with our relationship,healing one's wounds.You know how i said " you heal the wounds of my lover's past" well it's true, it's just the feelings that stood because it wasn't your job to make them fade but mine.Instead of rushing into things because of our strong feelings.But we can't blame love.And what if we didnt rush into things; would we have been happy right now at this very second? --Doing that i lost myself. You lost yourself in my mistakes and the pain that i've cost you. Your drowning, and i can't do anything about it, because i've created a scar with my worthless sword.I can't say and be optimist that i'll be your lifeguard one day so hold on just a bit longer, because i,myself,don't even know if that's possible.And what if you dont want me to be your lifeguard? Maybe one day our souls can find each other again, even if it's in the pond :( --And I'm Truly Sorry For Everything.Even if that word is slightly over used. But the thing is i like depending on you and i still do it,it just hurts that were not together anymore.Because i know what we could of been. Every time i find myself picking up the phone and dialing your number, i think of something else to do because i don't want to hurt you anymore. Now that our relationship is rough i have no one to turn too,that would actually understand, even myself.Maybe i ask for too much? Maybe i gave you too much responsibilities for loving me? I don't know what's the case. But all i know is that i need to find myself again, and actually hold onto it tight. Do you know how much i miss mid October? i'm learning to let go. Let go of those feelings that my past decided to haunt me with. It's no one's fault but mine for letting it destroy me and the people around me. But yesterday i did so much thinking. And I can sit here, behind this screen, typing away, and say that this morning when my eyelids saw the ceiling.. i felt like myself, maybe just a little, but i did feel like myself. With all this thinking and knowing what makes me happy and knowing what i need to do,felt right. Well at least that's what i think. But then again i can't go far with doubting myself, so that needs to stop. But as soon as i sat up and touched the chilly floor, i lost myself. My exceptions on human beings are way to high, with that being high, i'm expecting disappointment, but were all humans and we do mistakes that hurt others and ourselves, and those who decide to learn from it are growing.Well guess what? IM GROWING. Even though there's just a stem right now.


On the other hand Define chance? Does everyone deserve a piece of it?


Those Glowing Sleepy Eyes; once upon a time.

<3<3<3

<3

SAVE

THE

TURTLES~

Soulmate Story Time;

Today, i went to see him,to spend a few hours with him, and we watched Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, it's definitely one of my favorite movies, that i would not mind watching again, even though it was confusing at first, i understand now:)
ah so thank you for showing me the movie and spending your early hours with me^_^ -bows-


* Now, well, i was planning to watch Akira, but i fail at life, and dont understand it,the language at least, so i need to go to chinatown and buy the DVD!

BELONGS EVERYWHERE!

Happiness is a state of mind

...it's like telling an ocean directions.

As lighting strikes, Airplanes become loud.

I'm so glad tonight arrived.All this rain felt so good, felt so free. Something i needed.I stood still in it, not wanting to move, but eventually i had to, so i can go home.But every thunderstorm felt so tense, which was beautiful. I tried to catch some raindrops..


And you know what else was lovely? me and my cousins were coming back from the store and there was a wedding going on,which of course made me extremely over the top happy and a bit jealous :/


oh and this song was stuck in my head xD " having fun...isn't hard.. if you got a library card..." i wonder where's that from!!! -.-

This is what seems to amaze me at this hour.

Everything is just a bit frosty..

When you tend to die in about two minutes, and come back.
Wondering why the hell your back, back to this misery. you feel like shit, especially, when you get remind of the mess you almost left behind.
Well today i've decided to let some misery fog up with the view of water and leaves and bright colors, and music and possibly cassy's voice.

Let's just say,without many details, i know how it feels to die and come back to life..
and it's not a great happy feeling in the process of it...


* * * * *

The only imagine i seen, was a black and white, with a girl in the corner, that i have yet to see, she had huge headphones, writing on this note pad..pencil so small.. words so clear and bigger then the pencil.. choppy layer black hair.. this nightmare that she runs away from every day, was finally chasing her, and the girl did nothing but seat in her corner writing... She finally turned her head to greet the nightmare with a glance, and finally i woke up, and hugged everyone around me... i honestly felt like i was drowning in my own air.i wasn't begging for help, i wasn't begging to be pumped,i was just begging to go back to my bed,go under my blankets and sleep some more.

UPDATING...

what fades.

i didnt know what i wanted, and i couldnt stop wanting

i seek for alot of attention and it's been that way for a while.
and it's sad, that im the first person to ruin anything that ever loves me, with my sick lies.but now i know what i want, and what i'll live for, and it's just too late.

Battery park

Is the most peaceful beautiful park, i've encountered today.
my bella took me there, to have some peace at mind, i have to admit and come to my senses, it did work for a good hour, and you did make me laugh like you planned on, but then slowly my mind kept on thinking about him,my heart kept on feeding onto my mistake, my soul kept on screaming for his soul. it's just hard to see that he doesn't want me anymore because of what i did or to take that future path alone, or with someone else that i hope he finds. someone that could do a better job of taking care of him, of loving him..


i mean, of course i don't want this, nor do i want my brain wires to think it, because im selfish and i want to be the one who takes care of you for the rest of my life, i want to be the one who loves you for the rest of my life... but unfortunately i might not get that, well i should say, i won't get that anymore. -sigh-

And when i was roaming in that park, all i thought about was " ahh, i need to show him this and that ..and so on " ... well i will show you. i'll show you in my dreams,and with that, i'll learn to be fine with it.



"You’re gonna die in somebody else’s arms
And I have to live with that."

like i said before, " i wish you can have a new heart, and a new brain without me"

*** summer goal; collect anything metal and built a time machine****

i love you;forever and always
i'm always gonna miss you
all the art sharing
all those dreams sharing
all the things we shared.

for now; i hope there's a way you can heal.
i'll be here. for long as my heartbeats want to take me.

Today is the only night that i can fall in love with, over and over again.

Even though,today did not go as i planned,i still had a decent time with my family<3
there just great.i woke up quite early today, but i had a great sleep because i had my sweet soothing lullaby sleeping with me. i got ready to go to the beach with my dad side of the family.Even though the morning felt like forever. i kept on calling devon, to let him know, the plans, to see if we can meet up for the fireworks, which was after the beach. but no one made up there minds, till the last moment. which was too late for him to come out here- puppy pouts- but it's okay, me and him have plenty of other days coming ahead.


but on with the story; we went to the beach, the sun wasn't working with us at all times and plus it was windy, so i wasn't really in the mood to get into the water, but my cousins dragged me^_^, which didnt take much force. Yes the water was freezing. but i got over it:) i startled " swimming" and what not. Then i got out to go and munch on some food. Later on while everyone was lying down relaxing (including me) the sun startled coming out and actually burning us all, like waffles.-looks at my skin- i got the baddest sunburn Dx

So while the sun was burning and smiling.
Me, Liz, Liz's mother(aunt) and my other aunt decided to go back to the water.
i was enjoying myself at first, but then the waves starting pushing me everywhere, knocking me down like if it didn't like me, because i kept on throwing the seed weed with such disgusted, in the process of this, me and everyone that came with me into the water kept on going further and further. That is when i realised i couldn't touch the 'floor' anymore, and i just..PANICKED! i kept on jumping up, because the waves kept on coming and i didnt want to drown, i kept on dragging my cousin down with me,and whispering "push me that way..help." the waves were too much for me, so i ended up drowning,swallowing all the saltwater that my lips touched,and then i panicked even more, because i couldnt get out of the water,but i still felt Liz, so i just kept on pulling her arm, so i can get up. but that wasnt working. I really thought i wasn't going to make it out of the endless ocean. And all i thought about was that a shark was going to get me from behind, and rip my spine right out.i was just terrified, and i couldnt clam down, because this is my greatest fear, getting lost in the waters, and not being able to get out. . . .


okay so i really didnt drowned and died,-laughs- xD
cause then i wouldnt be writing this.
My aunt ended up pulling me up and pushing me to the shore.
i thanked her so much-laughs-
but the lifeguard blew his whistle and told me to get out of the water because i was too short to be that far D:


so that is why i hate being short
and i need to learn how to swim.
it was a bad experience
a really bad one.


-- shortly later we ate at a restaurant and we all enjoyed because we were laughing and talking, well i speak for myself ^_^ and i enjoyed. and then we all went our own ways.i came home, and called devon wondering if he was going to come and he couldnt because of the damn time :/ and our distance sucks air x_x but anywho, while, i was here home, with this bad sunburn, my dad came downstairs and asked me to go to the roof with him... BOY was it beautiful. i was so amazed at the fireworks, (oh today is july 4th>.<) they were so pretty and colorful, i saw every aspect of those fireworks, maybe i wasn't so close like everyone else but i felt close. me and my dad talked about...well i dont remembered.. he wasn't really saying much.. because he was not at a normal state, but it was still fun, because he kept on singing and talking about non sense which made me laugh, but then again i laugh at alot of things xD the breeze felt nice, everything felt nice. Only one thing was missing and that was the soulmate. but we have next year for that. Oh while that experience i discovered that im afraid of heights but i like the feeling being scared? o.o wtf.
anyway, we went back inside because it startled getting chilly, and i only had shorts on and a shirt. OH i love the fact that we were walking on top of other roofs :DD it was really fun ^_^ i felt so free on top of my own roof. my own house.


*** another goal for this summer; go on the roof more often.****

and now im waiting for boyfrann to come home so we can watch anime :DDD

Mia and Kasy

Today i spent the day with the most beautiful-est little girls ever.
They brightened up my day, no matter how shitty my mood is.
They make me feel so bubbly inside, this warm nice feeling which makes me so happy, and smiling for everything - smiles-


My mom use to take care of them since they were months old,i grew onto them so quickly, and quickly this bond of sisterly startled to grow. Mia and Kasy are the two little sisters i always wanted.( i do see them as my little sisters now) But slowly they grew up and startled school.

Mia, im pretty sure she's just 3 years old, and kasy,mm, umm 2 years old? o.o
Well yes it was nice seeing them again. Even though it did hurt that Mia and kasy didn't remembered me at first,and acted a bit distance,but later through out the day, Mia became attached to me<3 which i adored so much,she even slept on me, and i fed her food.Kasy, didnt remember me, but it's okay, she's young, and i'll always remember her, well yeah, she got attached to my mom,like every other kid -____-
Hopefully i get to see them once in a while. <3

Lately swriling circles have been appearing.

Sightly every day that i wake up, i feel like im getting lost inside my own mind. like literally. And i don't know,i'm getting frustrated because i want to escape. Maybe it's because i need something to keep me busy, All of All i hate this feeling, i want it to go away, and run and jump into a clear jar. Sometimes it feels like im dying slowly from this toxic air. i feel like i can't breathe or think right. maybe its this weather? maybe it's because im not eating enough? maybe its because im always around people yelling? maybe i just need to sleep some more.

i feel like my attention span is slowly decreasing
i feel like my mind is getting rusty every min.

well im getting close to a panic attack
and it's because im getting closer to my future
and i still feel lost, but heck, why am i speaking? (well in this case typing)
im still young, i guess. but still i like to know from now, what i want to be, lately all i have been thinking about is writing. maybe my destination in life, is behind my desk, being a writer, looking at the shadow of my pen.




*** "we wander until we find what we want to live for,and when we find it, we'll be happier than we ever imagined,but of course before we have found it ,there has to be struggles,without pain there is no joy, without hate, there is no love" ***

i like the idea of being forever trap in my imagination.

because it's better then inhabiting in this trashy society.

so i like to start in one of my mental images (that is perceived as not real,) that I've encountered while talking to one of my close friends.(i)

Let's just say, im freaking obsessed with turtles,
anyone who knows me, knows that well.

One of my little goals in life is to transform into a alien turtle;



this would be completed by a hedgehog, how? well let's just say he has fingers like ET, and that will magically zap me into alien turtle, slowly, every night, at 3:33am.


oh and to those who think that im immature because i'm weird, well then that makes no sense, how am i immature for being weird? what the fuck? if you can come back to me making sense on that, then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE i'll listen to your words,including with that i rather be weird then be just like you, normal.

Lets hide inside your brown shiny shoes please?

i have THREE, not one, BUT THREE wisdom teeth D; how do i know? because i just came back from the dentist. ...which scares this living soul.
Like how did i even get it? i take care of my teeth so good. i brush it twice a day, maybe three times, okay so i have to admit, i am lazy sometimes, and just fall asleep without brushing my teeth, but what the heck,that only happens once in the green. And im pretty sure, that has happened to everyone at least once.

so okay, give it a couple of years and my three wisdom teeth will soon grow out and then will have to be PULLED out. oh boy, im gonna be in alot of pain. Well Maybe, just Maybe.. the wisdom teeth will melt away,disappear magically, nothing would have to happen!!!:DD maybe if i eat alot of red apples, my teeth will be happy, and nothing would have to happen, right? right. so from now on, that is what I'll believe in.


ahh running away from reality smells so sweet, like cotton candy -___-

Okay so there's something troubling my mind.

I still find myself running behind them;
Trying to be more like them
Fighting for there approval.
Even though you say they already approve
ALL I WANT IS TO FEEL IT.
The nightmare of mine is if you go one day and
seek others to find aspects that i don't have.


And Even though you say i am everything you want.
I believe that;despite that we live miles away.
I still find myself starving for more attention from you,
every time we hang up.
I don't want to share you, like at all.
I know it's a bit silly. but im just selfish.

Because i like to make up my own words.

Because i like to make up my own island.



you'll get over it :)

Just ask to take a shower? no? y-y-yes.

i love it when my skin adsorbs the soap
i love it when my fingers and toes
become soft and mushy.
i love it when someone flushes the toilet
and the water becomes cold,
and then in a blink of a eye
it's warm again.
i love it that you can take
as many showers as you want
and yet,somehow
you still can't feel spotlessly clean
i love it because if it wasn't for the shower
that i took 30 mins ago
i wouldn't be writing this.

Simple truthful fact; i'm not the one, who uses up all the hot water -______-

Lets see if you can see what i see.

I see A bug who has a tail, with round eyes.

im determine

to jog twice a week from now on, and visit museums starting from next week.